Twelve days of Crissmus in de bayou
Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de pear
tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink
de pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a
Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two
turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons.
Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo
out of dem.
Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish?
I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose
prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans
Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie
needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more
friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling
birds", dey so noisy you could hear dem all de way to
Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps,
an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful.
I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn
shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on
my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin'
Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you
coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to
death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and
dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating
cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster
dressing on Crissmus day.
Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck
next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to
kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up
his mailboat. He afraid someone willslip on dat stuff
and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim
on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi
blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make
tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a
milkin and dem cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da
alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like
dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work
guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't
in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta
skin nutrias I caught las night.
Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh?
Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem
jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou.
As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with
crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well
La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu,
Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too
snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat up all my
Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If
de mailman doan kill you, I will fo sure. Today he
deliver 10 half nekid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey
said dey be "ladies dancin" but dey doan act like ladies
in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one
of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by dat out-house.
I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to
get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer
dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin.
Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip.
Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of
Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed
stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey
and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a
bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah
dancing with de floozies. Thibeau, he jump off de
Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you
get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open
Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not
your true love no more, me. After da fais-do-do, I
spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to
open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The
floozies, pardon me, ladies dancin can make $20 for a
table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park
de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk,
I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines,
an run my shrimping business.
We will probably gross a million clams nex year.